Wow

I cannot believe I started this blog so long ago. And....I REALLY wish I had kept it up. I've come a long way, and then really not so far since my diagnosis.

Yes, I AM bipolar. Type 2. Since I want this to be my own journey plus an informative blog I'll explain in some other post what the difference between types 1 and 2 are. Both exist in my family.

I have started and then stopped therapy. I was feeling much better after several months of therapy so quit going but now I feel like I probably need it again. I need a different therapist though. The one I had I just didn't feel like I jived with so well. I cannot explain it further than that really. I love, love, love my medication APRN though. She is in the same office as the therapist and she is the one who prescribes my meds. She and I get along well and I just feel great about her care. That helps a ton.

I am now taking Depakote. It is the first and only med I've taken so far. It worked pretty well for awhile. Now, I'm not so sure. But there could be several reasons for that. 1. Winter is coming. It's my least favorite season as I hate to be cold and money gets so much tighter in winter. Those both get me down. I just want to hunker down and stay in bed. That easily leads to depression. I can feel it lingering there too. Like a monster that wants to sink it's claws into me. I put on my mask and give a good show to everyone but I can feel it coming. The depression that is. 2. My current relationship. I am with a very wonderful man. But, yes.....but.....he is difficult. He is very much the love of my life but at the same time this is by far the hardest relationship I have ever been in. Some days I wonder if it should be this hard. I know relationships aren't easy but I'm not sure it should be this much work either. It's not like we fight, cuz we really don't, at all. Instead I just never know where I stand with him. He tells me where, but then doesn't always show it. So, then I start to question his words, and I start to think, and you know that never gets you anywhere good!! But my mind just goes there. It's so annoying and...............well depressing. He knows I am bipolar and is fine with it but yet has never seen me in a deep depression either. I'm not sure how he would handle that. I guess only time will tell. He likes my happy times though :-)

Well, I just wanted to get a post up on here and try to get back to this. I'll try and get back to the article on the 10 signs that I started oh so long ago!! Till then.........

#1 Great Mood

Over the next 10 days (well I should say 10ish cuz I probably won't be able to get on EVERYday) I'm going to go over the 10 subtle signs of bipolar disorder and how they relate to me. Should be good therapy right? By the way, I got these signs off health.com. You can read the article here. Each day I'll put down the sign and what the article describes for it. Then how I relate.

The first subtle sign is: Great Mood
Bipolar disorder is characterized by up-and-down episodes of mania and depression. During a manic phase, some patients can have a total break from reality.

But hypomania, which is also a symptom of the disorder, is a high-energy state in which a person feels exuberant but hasn’t lost his or her grip on reality.

“Hypomania can be a pretty enjoyable state, really,” Dr. Bearden says. A person’s mood can be elevated, they may have a lot of energy and creativity, and they may experience euphoria. This is the “up” side of bipolar disorder that some people with the condition actually enjoy—while it lasts.

How I relate: I have plenty of times when I have elated moods. Not just being happy but elated happy. Like the article said it can be quite enjoyable too! Going around very happy is contagious and is fun. Everyone enjoys you when you are happy. You are the life of the party etc. Outgoing, etc. This one I definitely relate to!!

So-so

Today wasn't too bad of a day. I started the morning with lots of energy. Up & ready to tackle the house. Got a few things done and then got into an argument with my boyfriend. Kinda put a damper on the rest of the afternoon. Didn't get depressed at all just lost some of my spunk. Spent the rest of the day running kids around etc. Therapy starts in 2 more days. Then hopefully I'll have an official diagnosis.....a mixed blessing.

My Story Part 1

I'm not sure where my story starts exactly. Or should I say when. I can remember as a teen having short bouts of depression but thinking they were fairly normal for any teenager. I can also remember having times of intense happiness and energy but again, thought those were fairly normal for any teenager. Mostly both were based on circumstances. When things were good in my life I was happy, when they weren't I tended to feel more depressed. I honestly still think that is fairly normal.

In my early twenties I think things progressed along about the same. I finished college, got married, had babies. You know, the usual. The first baby came along in 2003 and life progressed along. Life with him was all I imagined it would be.....sleepless nights, smiles & tons of moments of joy. 2 years later came his little sister & brother 3 minutes apart. Yes, twins!! And life really hasn't been the same since.

Having twins, they say, is double the joy and double the trouble. I'd have to agree! My twins are a blessing but after their birth my struggle with mental illness, if it didn't begin, certainly kicked into high gear.

More to come tomorrow. I'm just tired now. Always tired lately....